Waiting...

As I woke up this morning, I realized I'm waiting for some things to happen in my life. Why am I waiting? Ok..so sometimes you have to wait on some people to catch up with you, but in the meantime what do you do? Without patience, our lives would be a mess. When do you stop being patient, accept that something you have been waiting for for so long is not going to happen? It really screws you up! Your whole world is shaken to the core and you begin to doubt so many other things in you life.

Then begins the prayers asking God to intercede and make things go right for you, or you begin to ask "Is this not happening because it's not right and what you have planned for me?" So..in other words the inner torment is under way. I'm so tired of things not going my way. You get the impression as a child that if you follow the rules and wait patiently...the good things will come. I got one! My daughter! I'm still waiting and hoping for the rest to fall into place.

When things don't fall into place, you get frustrated,angry. You give so much to so many people and they take and take from you. What do they give back? Sometimes love, sometimes nothing! So you're basically back where you were in the beginning...

And so it begins....

And so it begins, the new journey of self exploration and preservation. Since my divorce....I'm working hard on the single most important wound I suffered. For me, it's learning to trust again. I'm finding myself needing to know every bit of information and asking so many questions. Too many questions! I can't sit back and trust that the situation will go smoothly or that, as much as I hate to admit, not get hurt again.
With the help of a few wonderful friends, one in particular, has helped me break down some walls that I felt were permanent. I realized nothing is ever permanent, with exception of your love for your child, and that even the most painful of changes are usually for the best.
I'm still trying to figure out who I am. There are days when I feel like I make progress. Then there are those days, which seem to be more often since summer, where I'm taking a few steps back. I need help in learning to trust again..even when someone disappoints you or lies to you.