Doorways

It's said that when one door closes, another opens. I'm finding these doorways are often open prior to the other being shut. Relationships come and go, friendships may fade, new friendships emerge, and sometimes we are left with no choice but to say goodbye. Often in those times, when we are preparing ourselves to let go, another door opens to help ease that transition.

Then sometimes strange things happen. What looks like another door opening may just end up being the door you just walked through. You think the door is closed behind you, but you find out that it wasn't. I'm trying to understand what is going on. Why do people feel the need to play games? Why do some enjoy preying on the emotional heartstrings of others? Why can't they just let the door close?

My final thought on this situation is...."if you are going to test the loyalty of the one you love, you must make sure you're worth the love you are given in the end. The test may not have been worth the chance of losing the one who loves you most."

Choices and Faith

These past few days have been spent reflecting on choices that are made, albeit, good and bad. I think for myself, I mostly think of first when it comes to making a choice.."Am I going to look foolish for this one or not?" I'm realizing that it doesn't matter what others think of the choices we make. I know that I don't always agree with others, however, sometimes it all works out. Then your left standing looking foolish for judging that friend in the first place.
I'm seeing many poor choices in the past few weeks. I've been on the receiving end of both good and bad. I've been an outsider looking in. I've been the one making them. I know what matters to me and what prices I'm willing to pay to see things through. So I may end up looking like a fool in the end, but...with help from a good friend...at least I have faith!
I have faith that things will turn out the way they should. I have faith that when it's all said and done, there are still loved ones there to stand by me. Most of all, I have faith in you! I have faith that you will make the right choices you need to make for yourself. I have faith in you! I have faith that we will continue to relate with each other in an honest manner. I have faith you will love me as I am!
Maybe I should have faith in the choices that I make?!....wait! I already do, because I have faith in YOU!!!

Wonderful, Happy Things

I've going on 3 weeks of being sick. I've been to the doctors 3 times. They've taken bloodwork and when I went back, due to the holiday, they couldn't give me any results. So as of now, I'm missing more work, which makes me very unhappy!!
Anyhow, even though I've been sick, I've got some other things on my mind. Wonderful, happy things! A little stressful because you can't always get what you want, but still a wonderful thing. I have a friend who has openned my eyes and my heart up to living again. I didn't want to start any sort of relationship when I was going through my divorce. My dear friend reminded me that in life comes pain and you're not living any sort of life if you're not willing to take a risk. Not everyone is a liar or a cheat or out to hurt you! As a result of beginning new friendships, I've found friends who mean the world to me and who have been supportive beyond belief. I am thankful for my old friends and my new one's. I love you guys!!!

Week Proir to Halloween

What a week it's been! First I came down sick on Monday and had to leave work. I tried getting into the doctors that day...but everyone in South Jersy is sick right now. I managed an appointment on Tuesday to find out I have a virus that's going around. I'm just thankful I wasn't bacon bit. Wednesday morning, Mady woke up and came into my room feeling horrible. Needless to say she was out for the rest of the week like me with same virus. She was upset knowing she missed her Halloween party at school, but felt better when she learned many kids were out sick.
Friday night we carved pumpkins..which brought a smile to Madys face after a bummer of a week. She made it out trick or treating with her father for a bit on Halloween. They did just one street. Apparentley that was enough for her!

Waiting...

As I woke up this morning, I realized I'm waiting for some things to happen in my life. Why am I waiting? Ok..so sometimes you have to wait on some people to catch up with you, but in the meantime what do you do? Without patience, our lives would be a mess. When do you stop being patient, accept that something you have been waiting for for so long is not going to happen? It really screws you up! Your whole world is shaken to the core and you begin to doubt so many other things in you life.

Then begins the prayers asking God to intercede and make things go right for you, or you begin to ask "Is this not happening because it's not right and what you have planned for me?" So..in other words the inner torment is under way. I'm so tired of things not going my way. You get the impression as a child that if you follow the rules and wait patiently...the good things will come. I got one! My daughter! I'm still waiting and hoping for the rest to fall into place.

When things don't fall into place, you get frustrated,angry. You give so much to so many people and they take and take from you. What do they give back? Sometimes love, sometimes nothing! So you're basically back where you were in the beginning...

And so it begins....

And so it begins, the new journey of self exploration and preservation. Since my divorce....I'm working hard on the single most important wound I suffered. For me, it's learning to trust again. I'm finding myself needing to know every bit of information and asking so many questions. Too many questions! I can't sit back and trust that the situation will go smoothly or that, as much as I hate to admit, not get hurt again.
With the help of a few wonderful friends, one in particular, has helped me break down some walls that I felt were permanent. I realized nothing is ever permanent, with exception of your love for your child, and that even the most painful of changes are usually for the best.
I'm still trying to figure out who I am. There are days when I feel like I make progress. Then there are those days, which seem to be more often since summer, where I'm taking a few steps back. I need help in learning to trust again..even when someone disappoints you or lies to you.